In a state of confusion..

Araw-araw simula nung kinuhanan ako ng litrato na to, palagi ko na tong tinitingnan. In fact, ginawa ko na nga din siya wallpaper ng cellphone ko. It’s as if I wanted to remind myself how happy I felt that time I received the rose.

Masaya ako, oo. There’s no doubt. Pero sa likod ng mga ngiti ko at kislap ng mga mata, nandoon din yung agam-agam na bumabalot sa puso ko. Madaming tanong ang sabay – sabay na pumasok sa isip ko non. ‘Masaya ba talaga ako?’ ‘Handa na ba talaga akong magmahal ulit?’ ‘Handa ko na bang isakripsiyo ang kalayaan ko?’ ‘Handa na ba ako sumakit ang ulo?’ ‘Handa na ba akong masaktan ulit?’ 

Habang nakayuko ako at tinitingnan ang bulaklak, isa-isa kong sinubok sagutin ang mga tanong na yon. Ang nag-iisang sagot na pumasok sa isip ko noon, ay ‘HINDI!’. I’ve been single for roughly 18 months now, and that is a choice I made simula nung nakipaghiwalay ako sa last boyfriend ko. That time, mas pinili kong mapag – isa at talikuran ang security ng relasyon namin. Kaya naman ngayon na I’m on the verge of being in a relationship again, parang gusto kong tumakbo palayo mula sa taong sumusubok mahalin ako.

But as I glance up to the person who took that photo, nakita ko din yung taong nagustuhan ko simula pa lang nung makilala ko siya. Nakita ko yung taong nagpakilig sakin mula pa noong una. Nakita ko yung taong sinakripisyo din ang ilang mga bagay para lang makasama ako at maparamdam sakin yung pagmamahal niya. Nakita ko yung ngiti niya at mga kislap ng mata, and I didn’t had the heart to tell him na bigla kong narealize na hindi pa pala ako handa. Na natatakot ako. Na ayoko nang ituloy. Na gusto ko nang bumitaw.

Instead, I smiled back, and moved towards him to hug and kiss him.

Days after, eto pa din ako, still having the same conflicted feeling. Do I love him enough to sacrifice everything that I built since I’ve been single? Do I trust him enough to pledge my love and commitment to him? Is he worth the pain? Is he worth the struggles that I have to face? Is he worth the risk?

But if I give up, can I live with seeing him every day and not able to talk to him? Can I give up the feeling of warmth when I’m in his arms? Can I give up the sliver of happiness I feel whenever we’re together? Can I forget those memories we shared in such a short period?

Ang daming tanong, ngunit wala akong maisagot. Up until this moment, magulo pa din ang isip ko.

I guess only time will tell. I just hope I find the answers sooner, rather than later, hanggang hindi pa ganoon kalalim ang nararamdaman namin para sa isa’t isa.

Less time, less pain. Less memories, easier to forget.

😦

xo,

Margeaux

Until when?

6 months ago, when I decided to let go of my previous job and start anew, I never thought I will end up right where I am today. In a respectable and stable job, but also in the middle of a very complicated kind of love.

I know, it’s wrong. I know I shouldn’t feel this way. But I do. I never imagined myself falling in love again after so many failed relationships I had in the past. Most of them, I don’t even know if I’ve fully moved on from. Sometimes, I can still relive the pain like it was yesterday. Sometimes I find myself staring off into space and thinking about those times I got my heart broken, over and over again.

18 months ago, I decided to be free. Free from all the complications of being in a relationship. I stopped searching. I taught myself to be independent. I taught myself to love myself first, so that I won’t be weak again when love comes knocking at my door.

But why, now, after so many months of being independent and free, when I finally felt that I truly love myself, is when you will come along? I didn’t expect for this to happen. I didn’t expect my heart to fall in love with someone like you. Why does my heart feel like it will explode whenever I see you? Why do I feel safe when you have your arms wrapped around me? Why do I feel intoxicated every time you kiss me? And lastly, why do I believe you when you say you love me?

I thought I was stronger than that.

Until when will this madness last? Until when will you love me? Until when will you stay?

xo,

Margeaux

 

Letting go…

Girls, if the guy said he’s done and he wants his freedom, let him. Don’t beg for him to stay. Don’t ask for another chance. Don’t ever think that everything will be fine if you just try to fix it and have another go.

Please, love yourself enough to accept the fact that he doesn’t want to be with you anymore. Always think that it’s his loss that he decided to let go of a woman as beautiful and as worthy as you are.

I know it’s easier said than done. I know that for nights on end, you’ll lie awake thinking where it went wrong. Didn’t you love him enough? Didn’t you try your best to make the relationship work? It’s normal. It is okay to cry, to grieve for a love that was lost. But know that in the end, your broken heart will heal and you’ll find yourself happy again. As the old saying goes, what doesn’t kill you makes you stronger. And you’ll surely be. Just give it time.

When you’re stronger and more independent, someone will cross your path, and will see what your ex didn’t. He’ll be so grateful to have found a woman so precious that he can’t take his mind off of you. You’ll find someone who will love you for who you are, broken parts and all. And finally you will be able to say, ‘Thank you, ex. Thank you for leaving me. I finally found who I am, and found that I can be happy even when I’m alone. And now, I can truly say that I found genuine happiness with someone who loves me just as much as I love him.’

For the meantime, just hang on. You will get there. I promise.

xo,

Margeaux

One Sweet Day

It’s been 2 years and 5 months since you’ve been gone. There’s a lot that had happened since then. When you were gone, I promised that I would strive to be the best version of myself. That I would do everything to make my life more meaningful. I promised not to make impulsive decisions anymore. That somehow, if I do all these things, I’ll make you happy up there, in God’s arms. One of his little angels. 

But years passed, and I felt like I repeatedly let you down. I still make impulsive decisions, and I still haven’t found the reason why I am still alive. I haven’t found my calling yet. 

Somehow, along the way of getting better, I started to lose track of what I really wanted since that day. I started going back to my old ways as that is much easier. That’s what I thought would make me happy. But time and time again, life had proved me wrong. 

I’m sorry my angel. I’m not gonna promise anything at this point. I will just try my best to do all those promises I mentioned first when you’re still here with me. 

I hope that someday I’ll be able to make you proud. Please, still remember, that I love you. And Please, still guide me. ☹️ 

Love, 

Mom 

1717

I never got the chance to say everything I want to say to you. You didn’t give me a chance and I didn’t try. At that point, on both our last day, I was completely tired, and I can’t find the courage to continue.

I am not sure if you’ll be able to read this, but if you don’t, at least the other readers can learn something from my experience with you.

At first I got attracted to your shy and somber demeanor. I find it cute that you became uncomfortable with my stares and my quietness. The truth is, I was studying you. That’s what I do with every stranger I meet. I’m trying to test as to how you would act with someone like me. That first night, everything happened too fast. I was also drawn into you. I find your openness and honesty reassuring, thinking that, this is a guy who isn’t afraid to say and show who he is as you already told me about your past.

The next few days are a blur of giddiness – the kind you feel with a new love interest. I was happy and contented, until came the day that we fought. It was a simple fight, just a small level of misunderstanding. With our cultural and language barrier, it is really bound to happen sooner or later. It just happened sooner for us. But we got past this, but I felt that something shifted between us. In retrospect, I think I lost a little of your interest and respect.

We continued seeing each other secretly, never showing the public what we are to each other, which suited me fine as I don’t want anyone meddling with our personal lives. Looking back again, your reason of keeping us a secret might be different from mine. It might be that you still want to maintain your fans club while having a girl that is so into you. You want the best of both worlds. That point in time, I was falling in love with you, fast and completely. I began re-arranging my schedule to fit yours, sacrificed my sleep just to be with you, and sometimes skipped meals because I was so into you that I forget to eat.

My love for you went deeper each and every time we get together. The turning point I guess is that night you asked me some personal things about my life and I got a little emotional, and you just hugged me. I felt comforted and I felt safe in your arms. I thought, here is someone I’ve been praying for, someone that I could depend on. I was so used to being strong and in keeping my emotions at bay in front of my family and colleagues that in that moment of comfort, I threw all my inhibitions outside the window of your 17th floor room.

Do you remember that time we slow danced? It was one of my favorite moment together. It keeps on haunting me even in my dreams. I wonder now if you also thought about those times we had. Are you also haunted by those memories we shared, just the two of us, far from the prying eyes of our colleagues?

Without me knowing it, I had completely fallen in love with you. I became the girl I promised not to be. I became the girl who waited until the wee hours of the morning. I became blind with the lies you gave me to get out of our lunch and dinner plans. I became the girl you just chose to be with because of convenience, because I was always available. I never questioned the times I knew you lied because I was so afraid for our fragile relationship. I was so afraid to lose you.

You see, you made me believe in the idea of us, that no matter how far the distance could be, you and I would stay the same. I believed you when you said you needed me, that I’m the only girl you want, that there’s nobody else but me. I believed you when you said you felt connected with me, because I also felt the same.

That last night, when you told me a few more things about your past, I felt that you are really serious with us, because you clearly told me that you needed me. And as scared and overwhelmed as I was, I readily submitted myself to you. I promised not to leave your side and I meant it. I wanted to take care of you, to show you the colors of life. I wanted to love you, to make you feel that you’re worth loving and fighting for. I left that night feeling happy and determined to make it work.

Only to be surprised in the following days when you started pulling away from me. You didn’t want to see me, and started making up more lies and excuses. As stupid as I was, I still gave you the benefit of the doubt. I threw all my pride and started coming to you in the office, surprising you with little things, and just showing you how I am when I’m in love.

Those three days of uncertainty is like hell. You are leaving in a few days and I am panicking as I felt that I’m losing you already. I started thinking that I did something wrong, or said anything to hurt you but I can’t remember anything. That’s when I started spiraling down. I can’t focus and I can’t function properly. Sleep became lesser and eating became a necessity, something that I just remember when my stomach is already churning because of hunger. I started begging for your attention, which made me hate myself, as I am not the one to beg. I was the girl who built up a wall to protect myself from people like you. But I guess my 5-ft tall wall ain’t enough for your 6-ft tall height.

Then on our last day, I saw you with another girl. Now it all made sense. That is when I realized you’re not the sweet, shy and respectful guy you portray to be. You cheated on me in a way that you made me believe your words, so I can give you the adoration that you so want to have.

The moment you went home, I broke down completely, cried under a facade that I’m just sad because I’m leaving, when the truth was, I was the one who was left behind. I was the completely stupid, foolish girl, who fell in love with a complete stranger. I was hoping for a closure but all I got is a 2-second handshake.

Don’t get me wrong, I blame myself as much as I blame you. I blame myself for my broken heart, shattered beliefs, and for the additional 1-ft tall wall I need to put up.

It is actually better now that we are not connected in any way as we blocked each other in every means of communication possible. I would heal this way. I detached myself from everyone that might remind me of you. Our memories is enough to haunt me, I don’t need anyone adding into it.

Xxx, wherever you are, I hope you are happy. As bitter and hurt as I am, I wish that you finally find peace in your life, because I would, maybe not now, but soon. This heart may be bruised, but it would be healed in its own time, I hope yours would be too.

Best of luck.

Yours truly,

Monster Girl 🙂